If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
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I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.
They were a jeanious.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
(grounding my kid) go outside.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ａｌｗａｙｓ
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.