If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
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Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
this is the news I live for
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
I forgot to turn my clocks back and omg you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.