Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice

Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general

can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.

The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.

I was in my prime.

me: thanks for letting me work from home

boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home

Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”

HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral

Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me

N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure

There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.

Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss

Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”

“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”

*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”

“sir…that’s a parrot”

*tries on a gas mask*

Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.

I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.

I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.

I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth

-my 3 yo, describing pretzels

Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.

I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way

I cannot believe all of these people are out!

-Me when I’m out

I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move

*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*

Put it all on Grey

got my mind on my money and my money

is nowhere to be found.

there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative

[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.

Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up

This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies