If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
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“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Perfect.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
“no gods no masters” = leo
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands