If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
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Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Mick Jagger and his 8 followers just followed me so I guess it’s my lucky day and this makes 4 Mick Jaggers now the gang’s all here !
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Close call…
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them