If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
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Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Best Halloween decoration so far. 😅
I’m going to start the new year with some spring cleaning. It won’t take long because I don’t own many springs.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Landlords are so amazing. Do I think it’s possible that five gallons of water have fallen through the light fixture and onto a bucket on my bathroom floor because the upstairs neighbors “are not shutting the shower curtain properly”? No, my sibling in Christ, I do not.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Icarus loved hot wings.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.