If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
You Might Also Like
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
A Dutch way of saying “we’re on it” or “we’ll take care of that for you” is we zullen dat varkentje wel even wassen. It means “we will certainly get that piglet washed”
* read on for more porcine phrases from around the world (a big pig thread)…
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
idk if im pregnant or what but i been craving 3 million dollars so bad
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”