If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
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[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
How do dragons blow out candles?
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
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Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Doctor: There is a drawback to this drug. It really knocks you out. You could be dead to the world for 12 hours or more.
Me: And the drawback?