Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations

B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhrist

A.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight

I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this

[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”

How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.

[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself

When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”

What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.

Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…

The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence

Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.

Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)

wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree

The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.

*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*

There. That should keep ’em out.

Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.

Try that* in a small town.

*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.

Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.

*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*

Me: Is anyone here with us?

T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E R

M: Oh my god! Mom!

No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.

Interviewer: what did you bring to the table

Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-

Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk

Me: u mean my toad

My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.

Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..

4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!

serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?

none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box

me: *holding bowling ball*

friend: going bowling?

me: nope— playing enormous marbles

Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?

some BODY once told me
Luigi Mangione

My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.

The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.

Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.

Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?