If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
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ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Good dog. ❤️
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house