If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
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Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Someone just threatened to call me later
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car
Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*