If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
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TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
BRO LMFAO
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
my 92 year old grandmother during my birthday lunch: you know who I think is very handsome? that murderer boy
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?