Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”

Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.

“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”

Simba.. who told you about science

INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes

BOSS: what should we call it

GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea

“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media

i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help

Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.

My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.

We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.

Cardio Made Easy

I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here

Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.

Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean

The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.

Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.

ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*

EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?

8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house

Me: Ok, have fun!

8yo: *Leaves*

Me: *Turns router back on*

I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.

kid: 5 more minutes

dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime

An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.

Me: I’m depressed

Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA

Me: How will that help?!

Doctor: Who’s a good boy?

Me: I AM

Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .

Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded

Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.

What did u do last night?

Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey

Don’t u mean sorrows?

Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?

The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.

There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.

cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor

me: i don’t know where dave is

cop: how did you know it was dave

[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel

I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.

I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.

Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.

Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party

Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??