If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
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What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
courtroom exchange of the day
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Bringing home a sharpie
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can