If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
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*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Dermatologist just told me this surgery is going to leave a scar.
Can we have a moment of silence for the death of my modeling career?
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number