Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants

Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.

So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension

Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you

“Be nice to everyone…

You never know who might have a pool.”

-Mahatma Gandhi

That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.

Did my cat write this

girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died

me: yeah ok

r kelly: will you touch this shower quick

king midas: why

I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.

My summer body has been pending for about ten years

*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*

[being chased by a murderer]

Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!

Murderer: *stabs me*

Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.

I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.

Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”

Doctor: you’re not going to make it

Me: give me a number doc

Doctor: 8

Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*

Doctor: damn son

Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.

throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..

*aliens come to earth to steal our water*

[cut to]

*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*

I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.

I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.

My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?

My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.

The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete

in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone

Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.

I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)