If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
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Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.