If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
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I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.
10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Too easy.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.