If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
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The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
I am yelling
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Is….Is this an option?
