If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
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“YOU’RE GONNA GET THE HELL OVER HERE AND WATCH THIS CHRISTMAS MOVIE WITH US AS A FAMILY AND YOU’RE GONNA HAVE CHRISTMAS JOY!!”
– And other fun christmas things I say to my kids
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Holy crap this is wonderful
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan
I can remember all the lyrics to “Bohemian Rhapsody” but cannot remember a 15 character tweet while exiting the shower.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.