If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
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Super Hand Dog Face
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
“Mommy why does Santa’s handwriting look like the tooth fairy’s handwriting?”
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
kinda wild that i pay tons of money in taxes for bombs each year and have no bombs
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.