(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
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im getting some exciting spam emails lately
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”