If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
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I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Cop lights are so pretty at night
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.