Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁

Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox

Wife: Aw that’s nice

[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich

My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.

I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.

[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”

Wife: “I’m the same”

Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*

[first day as a waiter]

customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??

me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it

doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job

Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.

friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back

me: oh wow me too

[meanwhile]

Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7

Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.

My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it

I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.

About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it

Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am

asking santa clause for nudes

How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?

I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.

Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.

Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.

My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.

if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there

*watching our 7yo’s softball game*

Me: Where’s our kid?

Him: The one dancing

Me: Ah, yes

My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…

“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch

Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads

~ dishwashers, perves

i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy

“How would you describe yourself.”

Me – I absolutely would not.

[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]

You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.

I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.