If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
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Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.