If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
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I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?