If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
You Might Also Like
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
True
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Haha! 😂
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
“SAY IT.”
“I’m a dirty little plant.”
“And what do you want?”
“I want you to water me.”
“I’m gonna water you so hard.”
“That’s how I like it.”
I’d always wondered what happen to those guys!
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
When will people magazine have the balls to tell us who the sexiest dead guy is
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”