Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.

She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.

She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.

It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.

I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.

Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.

Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?

Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?

I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.

Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.

I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.

My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes

The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.

The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower

Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.

“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media

You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.

Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.

“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years

As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”

Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.

Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.

Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.

[wife walks around the house completely naked]

Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*

Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.

Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.

I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time

Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.

him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?

cop: licence and registration

I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.

Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.

Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.

Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged

kidnapper: we have your son

my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi

gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake

hear me out…

…lasagna-flavoured cologne

not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured

*licks wrists*