If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
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The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Easy enough.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
As the Lord intended
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.