If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
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*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.