Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor

The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.

“Look guys! No hands!”

-captain of the Titanic

Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.

a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..

My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?

*the night I met my spouse*

Me: I don’t usually do this.

*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*

Me: I don’t usually do this.

No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.

They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.

Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway

People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-

Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered

My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.

Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.

when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick

I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!

Fun Fact:

Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.

It’s an epidemic…

I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart

(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”

Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.

So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”

Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.

Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.

The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.

YOLO!

Jesus: Hold my wine!

“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?

My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese

“The library was closed yesterday.”
“Yes.”
“I tried to call with a question.”
“Sorry for the inconvenience.”
“It was kind of important.”
“Well can I help you with it now?”
“I wanted help yesterday.”
“Well, I’m here now.”
“Okay fine. What’s Harrison Ford’s astrological sign?”

*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.

Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.

Then tell the lion.

*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?

*Day 9 of quarantine*

Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?

Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?