Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.

“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”

I’m clumsy but there are upsides. For example if I finish my chips and I’m sad there’s no more chips, I look in my lap and I always find chips.

“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]

Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.

My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”

That was last night and I still haven’t recovered

“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.

Them: children are innocent and go to heaven

Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?

People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’

My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time

The dogs are drawn by their screams.

I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?

Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.

The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”

[first date]

HER: I really like a man who notices things.

ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.

*eulogy*

Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo

Me: dad always hated my banjo

M: whew

Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now

[being murdered]

me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?

[jaws theme plays]

Me: omg

Shark groom: omg she’s here

birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here

Tastes like chicken.

I’ve got lots of frenemies. That’s what I call French people who are my enemies.

stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons

God, creating dogs: make them smart

Angel: how smart

God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on

“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig

kevin is now a local weatherman

My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.

Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..

…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word

7’s new favorite animal is the spider.

He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.

I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.

Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.

[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?