If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
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[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
What?
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
That’s enough internet for the day
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today