If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids
If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady
If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch
Women can’t win
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*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
The booster protects against what, now?
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
“Church is like prison for me: they can’t keep me out.”
– Midnight, a church friend
At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian