If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids
If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady
If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch
Women can’t win
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GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins