If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids
If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady
If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch
Women can’t win
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My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Waiting for the Charmin
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
BETRAYAL
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
So the ex texted me
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
playing pool? you mean swimming?
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard