If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
You Might Also Like
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
You’ll be OK
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift