If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
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Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*