If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
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[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.
She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
I can’t stop laughing at this
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from