If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
You Might Also Like
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
8: I wish we celebrated Christmas so we could ice skate.
Me: Jews can ice skate too dude.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
