Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂

Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:

“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”

And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!

If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality

Wife: How’d you do?

Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!

Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.

My house: I ALWAYS WIN

5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?

me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves

What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?

*bride and groom kiss*

minister: wow im like right here

Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch

Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…

Me: That IS self control

Dietician: how?

Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut

My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.

The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say

I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.

Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.

I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed

Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.

*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*

Me: what?

I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.

My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.

I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span

[touring beyonce’s house]

me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it

Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?

It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.

[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*

My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.

Now he can hear the voices too.

Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough

*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the

pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”

THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full

Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly

I pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food

[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps