@JohnLyonTweets

If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.

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@breadzeppellin

Damn girl are you Schrodinger’s cat cos you’re in a box and all these nerds are talking about you?

Sir have some respect this is a funeral.

@squirrel74wkgn

I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.

@writerPT

It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.

@killazilla

My sis just asked if sugar goes bad. Now I can’t stop picturing it bullying the other spices and selling pot.

@Lisa_Laughs_

Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*

@TheAlexNevil

Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.

@TheToddWilliams

[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.

@3sunzzz

If you love someone, let them go.

If they don’t come back, get a dog.