If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
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Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
oh good, now I can stop drinking
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
good for her
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.