Damn girl are you Schrodinger’s cat cos you’re in a box and all these nerds are talking about you?
Sir have some respect this is a funeral.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
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I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
My sis just asked if sugar goes bad. Now I can’t stop picturing it bullying the other spices and selling pot.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.