Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You are what you eat.”

I’m about 90% burrito.

6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.

Don’t tempt me kid.

I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.

Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away

[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family

edward fingerhands

trainer: how long can you plank?

me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh

Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*

Wife: what are you doing

Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”

My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.

40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.

“What a tangled web we weave”

-Earbuds

The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”

Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine

I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.

Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.

Me: Clive? What’s he done?

Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-

Me: What is going on?

Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.

[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*

women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”

[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!

Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…

10: Mom what’s a metaphor?

Me: My life is a train wreck.

10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?

Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.

As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.

[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really

Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?

[phone rings]

me: hello?

NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.

me: [quickly hangs up]

A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die

Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?

Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”

*whistling*

Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?

Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.

Husband: But It’s real blood.

Me: *continues whistling*

By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.