if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
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When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Who’s your best friend?
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.