if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
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[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Oops I deleted….
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back