Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*

Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face

Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.

If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands

Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.

If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?

Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?

I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.

She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.

Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.

So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.

If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.

It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.

I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key

When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.

“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”

“You mean the birds & the bees?”

“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”

Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car

If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.

no one:

my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i’m entitled to eat just a little plastic,

Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.

It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.

I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows

*runs out of toilet paper*

“Good bye, infinity scarf”

Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?

*entire restaurant gasps*

(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.

Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”

My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.

And then hit her head.

Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.

can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo not

do not @ me i wo not answer

Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.

Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.