If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
oh she’s cooked
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
can’t wait til they legalize outside
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
That’s enough internet for the day
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs