If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.
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If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.