If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
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My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Gotta say whoever invented the potato nailed it and should be trusted to invent more stuff
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”