If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
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I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift
Wearing thermal leggings at my age means I need to go to the toilet 3 minutes before I need to go to the toilet.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
I hope it’s French Onion!
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”