If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
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this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
“You’d better run, egg!”
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Something Saturday.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Got ya covered