If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
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DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
“Make Them Riot” was my band in high school. We did reggae covers of Carpenters songs.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film
If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:
Stamps: Lickie Stickies
Defibrillators: Hearty Starty
Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby
Lamp: Lighty Brighty
Best Halloween decoration so far. 😅
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.