If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
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ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Don’t settle for someone who only microwaves leftover pizza. Find that special someone who puts it in the oven, forgets about it, sets off the fire alarm, and then blames the dog.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Dance like like you’re not aware of the numerous cameras watching your every move.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
The internet is magic sometimes.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will