If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
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It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”