If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
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My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?