Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…

Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.

A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.

TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived

GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please

We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.

(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.

[at work]

CW: Hey, I found your Twi…

Me: *jumps out window*

CW: …Twinkies.

“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”

So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.

HER: NNNNNNNN

ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]

HER: ZZZZZZZZ

customer: your darkest roast please

barista: god created amnesia bc of you

ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.

FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.

If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party

elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge

Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.

I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?

A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.

Nerys is a dachshund.

I love reading newspaper websites. The screen refreshing on its own 3 times in quick succession, the text disappearing halfway down the article, a random video advert suddenly filling the screen, the whole page unexpectedly closing for no reason. Great experience.

Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.

Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!

Thought I’d try one:

18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: No

Wasn’t that adorable?!

Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history

I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.

Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.

Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher

*presses start and turns around*

Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this

[ping pong]

ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time

your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too

I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.

SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?

If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.

I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.

When do they kick in?