If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
You Might Also Like
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.