If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
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Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Born to be mild.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.