Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving

It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.

[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]

*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this

That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.

My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.

Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?

Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?

Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street

Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?

Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?

Me: Sorry I was busy

W: Doing what?

*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*

Me: Uh..

omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions

Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.

ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?

Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.

Wife: our toddler just hit me.

Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.

[later]

Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-

Daughter: I’m sorry.

Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.

Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.

I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.

🤫

The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.

Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying

[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?

ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not

Me: Do you like my new negligé?

Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?

Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.

I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.

If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.

If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.

Dolly Parton wrote Jolene and I Will Always Love You on the same day. Today I put a wash on, walked the dog and I’m now making tea. That’s three things. Your move country girl, your move.

And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”

Ape together strong

Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside

I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks

Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?

According to the Internet:

Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.

PS4
– Cures cancer.