Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played

Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green

anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?

Just paid £200 for a train ticket. If the inspector doesn’t turn up, I’m going looking for him.

You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline

interviewer: how’s your handwriting?

me: oh not bad

interviewer: what about the other letters?

How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…

No thanks Black Friday crowds.

I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.

Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”

Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate

[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”

If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.

[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]

Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast

the antelopes: wait, the what now?

If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda

you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work

70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.

My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.

I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.

When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.

I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom

I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.

[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]

My Financial Advisor:

Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.

Google: This actor is three years younger than you.

Me: …Oh. 💀

*works out for 75 mins

*eats an entire batch of cookie dough

I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser

microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”

Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!

Me: Soup

W: That’s Queso dip!!

M: Cheese soup

This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.