If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
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6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
When people talk about someone who died, they’re always like “They had the biggest heart, they would have done anything for you,” but I feel like when I die they’ll be like “She would sometimes text you some halfhearted advice.”
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
This raises questions
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.