If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
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A ghost story
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
App: Would you like us to remember you on this device for next time?
Me: Yes.
App: That would be nice, right? lol.
Me: what…
App: Sign in again.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Thursday Thought.
🤣😂🤣😂
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.