if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
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One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Just how popey was the pope today?
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
is this a threat
