If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
You Might Also Like
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Limited budget
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
me when the shower won’t work: is this you craig or do I have to call a plumber?
the guy who haunts my house that I have a good relationship with: not me dawg
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien