Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”

Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”

“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”

How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?

Me looking at your eyebrows

Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again

Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.

Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.

[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]

“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”

I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.

*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*

Roses are red
Violets are blue

My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.

Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.

“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.

“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.

Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.

me: i’ve been hearing voices

psychiatrist:

me:

psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist

birds: it’s so peaceful this morning

birds: maybe too peaceful

birds: let’s all scream at once

vader: i am your father!

luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes

vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?

luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much

vader: i swear, i nev-

luke: you make me sick

Wow, your teeth are white.

Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?

So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.

Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?

9-year-old: My coolest shirt.

Me: What about the second day?

9: My coolest shirt again.

I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.

What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?

I recently took a pole

And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed

Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat

If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.

The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time

1.

*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*

I expected that to go differently

I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.

This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.

I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.

“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.

People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.

If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold