If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
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My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?
My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
I have some bad news about people who work in offices
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
ＰＯＯＦ！[ponytail appears]
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more