Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *destroys spider web

Spider: wow

Me: *puts up fake spider web

Spider: WOW

HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car

You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”

11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.

a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes

[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars

having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.

When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”

I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.

me: i need answers

smashmouth guy: please i have a family

me: [tasing him again] who told you?

smashmouth guy: aaagh

me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me

smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY

WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?

Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive

If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”

Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.

What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.

If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you

Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.

A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.

Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.

“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”

If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.

I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?

Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄

Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon

If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.

I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.

“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name

I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.