If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
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Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead