Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”

[crowd goes nuts]

A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”

wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?

me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.

PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?

My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.

Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…

Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.

*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want

I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.

If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Also, I’ll tell my mom

I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19

I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name

date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more

me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind

me: how do you like the future?

lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car

me: what is it?

lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them

He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan

[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken

GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet

Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.

6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.

Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…

That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…

A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.

“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”

One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.

I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.

To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.

*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*

“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times

“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers

Muppet Screams

Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance

I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.

I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.

If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.

me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?