Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bruh PLEASE

It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.

Kids: the floor is lava!

Me: *slowly rolls off couch*

DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.

hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees

*6 opens piggy bank*

Me: wtf where’d you get all that?

6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know

I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!

I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.

At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched

Why can’t mirrors be nicer

Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.

[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN

[creation of spinach]

God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.

Angel: Is everything okay at home?

I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.

I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?

Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.

First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.

They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.

They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.

Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.

My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.

Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”

Suez Canal: what the hell?

container ship: PARKOUR!

The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself

My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.

Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you

ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped

She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.

We need to put an American base on the sun

JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever

ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age

[speed dating]

HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father

ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop

I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory

“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “