Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.

yes yes a thousand times yes!

Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”

AI results, “Remove leg”

I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.

friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?

me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk

I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug

“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.

When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.

Women are like campfires.

Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.

And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.

Mostly.

Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU

Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂

Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.

One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards

I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.

Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’

Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?

Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.

Me: <send>

Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —

When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours

My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”

The student has surpassed the master

what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?

Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name

Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.

If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.

I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born

“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”

“Yes!”

“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”

Tried to steal some candy from a baby.

I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me

They lied about how easy that was.

ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.

AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.

ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.

me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope

executioner: how are you talking

Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.

This, like, never happens.

Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.