Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again

[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It’s only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw

How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.

Kids teach you so many life lessons.

Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.

Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“

Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*

Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish

[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim

The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.

Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.

4th grade student: How old are you?

Me: Quite a bit older than you.

Student: So like 23?

Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.

if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water

Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.

Qui-gon: You will give me the parts

Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks

Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?

Watto: I will give you the parts

hostess: table or booth

termite family: we’ll have both

outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth

This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.

robber: gimme your money

me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents

my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies

[first day as a chef]

assistant: why is your hat squeaking

If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs

“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”

~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out

I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.

I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor

Husband: Give me one example.

Me: ALL the times.

Husband: Those don’t count.

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’

I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store

couldn’t resist

You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.

“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”

I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.