if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
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How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
True
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*