if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
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Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Patient “GO TO HELL”
Me: Sure. Can I get you anything while I’m there?
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”
Life: “That’ll be $200.”
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Landlords are so amazing. Do I think it’s possible that five gallons of water have fallen through the light fixture and onto a bucket on my bathroom floor because the upstairs neighbors “are not shutting the shower curtain properly”? No, my sibling in Christ, I do not.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Challenge accepted.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane