If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
