If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”
If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?
My husband:
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Why aren’t auto body shops called…
“Fender Bender Menders??.”
And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.
And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
*pronounces fake like saké*
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.
However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
How did they get kids to pose for oil paintings mine won’t sit still for 4 seconds for a family photo
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
